I love it when I sit down to write and I have no idea what exactly will come out. But I always know when the timing is right. This one is about waves and how we face them. It’s for everyone who goes into silence zone in his relationships. I am that person. I am trying to let go.
Missing you comes in waves. Like a lot of things in life do.
Grieving, acceptance, moving on … Some explain it as a list of certain steps that you have to go through, but I never feel like that. Instead there is a constant flow of emotions coming and going without a warning, until one day you feel calm. Calmer. Or maybe you just learn how to stay above the water.
First comes the big wave. Shock. Panic. It crushes you and in that second you have no idea how to survive. What is up, what is down, where to swim, how to save yourself. There’s just water all around you and nothing you can hold on to. People usually think that’s the hardest part, but I disagree. See, in that moment you are still fighting. You are not exactly helping yourself, but you are fighting.
After that – nothing. You may call it apathy or depression. You just stop, because you feel powerless. Things happen and you can’t control them, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change them. For me feeling powerless is worse than anything else, I have a hard time accepting that I would do everything for someone and it would still mean nothing. But that’s how it is. And from that moment on – that’s how it’s always going to be.
Luckily, around you life is still happening. You are forced to live, if not for anything else for the fact that you have to work. So you go on and do the things you do and mostly you feel just fine. When you’re surrounded with good people and you do the things you love, you receive good energy and that’s contagious. So sometimes your worries seem so small, irrelevant, even stupid. You think back and you’re asking yourself how the hell did you let something or someone take the life out of you while there is so much happiness out there. You remember that everyone experience hard times and they get through it. You smile, you dance and you are excited again. Doesn’t mean it’s done.
This happens a lot. It can be the most random thing like something that your loved one used to do, a familiar perfume, or a song on the radio. You are driving in your car and you pass through the same road which both of you used to take once upon a time, those ice-cream parlours. It can be something you don’t even recognise and you can’t connect it to the person … But it’s a trigger. And it all comes back.
Some waves are small and some are big, and they keep coming. They keep bringing back that feeling. I don’t fight them anymore. I don’t ignore them and I don’t try to distract myself from them. When I feel “an episode” coming, I let it overtake me, I let myself be in that moment. I hold nothing back. Because I know that this too will pass. So in a way it is just a reminder that I still care, that I am human and that I’ve lived. All of the things that I’ve described can happen in a minute, a day, a month, a year or a lifetime. The thing is that as long as something is important to you, it will come back. Maybe not as strong, but it will.
There is something so divine and profound about waves. How they can be deadly and relaxing all at once. Maybe that’s why I love the oceans.
~A Staunch Believer